15 Mar, ’21

It's only a flesh wound

by Cal

It's been four weeks proper now since I unfollowed everyone on social media and y'all have heard plenty about me and my "wow I'm less depressed enough to realize how depressed I actually am!" revelations but I've been thinking lately, about some other stuff. To be vague, I'm realizing just how much of my life got fucked over because of me constantly and futilely struggling to function normally despite quite frankly crippling levels of depression.

I'm gonna be honest. When I've said "crippling depression" in the past, I've been slightly tongue-in-cheek about it, like using a slightly exaggerated term for "depressed enough it negatively impacts my ability to function". And it sure does that, but... but. I'm not being facetious this time. I've been looking back over the past three years and I've realized that aside from a tiny handful of things, anything that relied on me to exist either just collapsed or went up in flames. Because I was depressed.

Part of me is giving myself crap like "you're just trying to absolve yourself of any blame" and I'm like, no! that's the depression talking!! That isn't a thing that I do at all, why would I be doing it now!! And it's a little bit of a relief to be able to recognize that.

I had the thought earlier that I'm demonstrating a lot more similarity with my character Leo than I thought I had, lol. I don't remember if it was Lyn or Lyn playing Cya who said it, but she described him and his "handling" of his depression and mental health as being like having a broken leg and making yourself walk on it like nothing's wrong.

Welp, turns out, I've been doing exactly that. I've been trying to walk on a broken leg for three years like it's not, and now that I've sat down for a minute, I can feel it again. And BOY does it suck.