22 Feb, ’22

friendship

by Cal

I got completely shut out by a former friend today.

This isn't really a complaint, but I was thinking about it and I realized why I got so upset about it and I really need to just get the words out of my head so they don't fester and I don't wanna post about it on the forum because that implies that I want engagement and responses and that could make it look like I'm trying to talk shit behind someone's back or fishing for validation or something like that. God look at how paranoid being on fedi for years has made me. I never used to be afraid of people I'm not even talking to who aren't even on the same website reading something I wrote and misunderstanding and being upset about it, now it's like a constant anxiety every fucking time I talk about anything remotely important.

Not that I think fedi is bad, mind, or at least not all bad. I still think it's got a lot of good potential and is great for lots of people, it's just that me and fedi continues to be a trash fire. Which is why I finally made myself let go completely, even though I'm kinda pissed at Kieran now - I figured he'd be the best one to take it over, he likes tech stuff and is good at rote management and all that, but then I had to literally talk him out of just shutting it down because he thought it was causing too much stress???? ....I mean he's right but still.

None of that's really about what happened earlier, though. Honestly, this post isn't even really about what happened earlier, but ironically, it's about the same thing that caused what happened earlier to happen through an unrelated mechanism, which is an ironic twist if I ever saw one.

Let's be honest, I don't blame her for not wanting to talk to me anymore due to... man, was it about a year ago that I mass unfollowed everyone? I think it was. That was a massive explosion and she was caught right in the middle of it and like I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to talk to me ever again after that (although I kinda wish she'd told me so sooner, but, it is what it is). It's kinda ironic that she said I'd burned any bridges with her, though, considering... well, considering the real reason I got so upset earlier.

You see, it was the first time I'd gotten into a conversation about, I guess, ideas, in a while. A couple of people tossing around things they know, interpretations they have, sharing thoughts, iterating on each others ideas and observations. I brushed the surface a couple times with Sky on the forum but this was for sure the first remotely real-time such conversation I've had since I fucked everything up with Lyn.

That was right before she was hospitalized.

And then she died.

Being able to have that conversation for a while, long enough to immerse myself in it, only to have it slammed shut in my face with no warning was the perfect trigger to bring the feelings from everything I've lost crashing back down on me, instantly.

Did having someone I was once on good terms with seem to be cool with me only to find out she actually hates me the whole time suck all on its own? Yeah. But not enough to make me cry.

The thing is, the really ironic part here, a good half of the reason I was so emotionally fucked up and had that massive meltdown in the first place which led to her writing me off forever is... go on. Guess.

Yeah, it was Lyn. Specifically, it was all my crap and everything that had led me to set my friendship with Lyn on fire (and if anyone ever wanted to know what it actually looks like when I burn bridges, Lyn could've told you. In detail. I don't know if she would've but she sure as hell had the experience.) Massive issues with depression and rock bottom mental health and having lost your best friend because of self sabotage will fuck up anyone and honestly, even though it was explosive, leaving fedi was the best thing for my mental health and I kinda wish I'd quit it sooner.

Well, looks like a year later, I finally learned that lesson for real.